The last few days I have had to remind myself that I have cancer… that is a huge thing because the side-effects of radiation and chemo usually do that for me. If I didn’t have a huge scar across the top of my head, I wouldn’t believe that I had a craniotomy last month. My speech is getting so much better (although when I get excited, the words don’t come out very fast!) and last Friday I drove Easton to the mall for the very first time since I left for Rochester MN! We spent the day together, just her and I. No pesky little brother, as she would say. We saw the new Nancy Drew movie, and oddly enough I really really liked it! It was a great weekend and I felt normal again.
I know that I continually say if this is Gods will for my life (and obviously it is!) I will walk through it for Him, but the last few weeks have been hard. I have 2 weeks of radiation and chemo under my belt, and I have found the right mixture of medication, (and the right times to take them). But nothing can prepare you for the moments that you are on that radiation table, the clicking, the aloneness, the reality.
So I use that time to talk my Savior. As my friend Bethany says: “Jesus knows my every cell” I take that 15 minutes and really pray. I pray for my husband, my children, my parents, but then I pray for my cells, as odd as that sounds. I pray that the radiation would target those “stray cells of cancer” in my brain, and then I pray for the next person who will be on that table, that God would grant them peace and strength. I pray that their bodies would be made whole, and if before this experience they didn’t believe… cancer would draw them closer to Him.
I pray about my fears, my hopes, my dreams. And then I thank him for what he has done in my life, and in the lives of those around me. He has given me far more than I deserve.
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
-2 Corinthians 4:15-18
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all
I’m thankful for that. (and for the fact I haven’t lost my hair!).
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Once again, Heather, you become more and more precious to me blog entry by blog entry. :-)
by AnonymousThe fact that you pray for the next person who’ll be having radiation, shows just how big your heart is to bring people to God. It’s such a sign of your character and who you are that you use the time to pray.
I really wonder if i’d ever be as strong and as faithful as you are. i love reading your blog because the way you react to the world and to your cancer is the way i want to react to the world and to situations.
In a bad situation, i don’t always “remember” to pray to God. I long to be as close to Him as you are. To have that relationship with Him that you have. Not gorwing up in a christian household i had no idea of the fullness of the relationship that you can have with Him.
so thankyou, that even in adversity, you have used it to glorify God and have shown us, especially me, how much more there is.
by helenHeather, your writing moves me - to tears most times, but more so closer to God! Your experience and passion should be an inspiration to anyone who reads this :)
by ShannonGirl you encourage my heart so much! It’s so much easier to focus on oneself especially during times of trial. God’s grace is extravagant and He has obviously annointed you with it! Prayer is such a comfort, as is the Word. God has equipped us to not just endure and “grit it out” down here, He enables us to soar above it all. Thank you for reminding me of that!
by Connie HopkinsConnie Hopkins
Thank you for being such a testimony… Praise God for the glorious things He has done. May you continue to be blessed!
by PaulaHave a blessed week!
Paula
Heather, Those radiation prayers are powerful ones. I used to pray during radiation too! One of my constant petitions was that when I survived, I would have more children to raise for the Glory of God. I think He heard and answered me:-). I’ve had seven children since cancer!
by Elizabeth FossI remember the nausea, the metal mouth, the lethargy. But I also remember the peace and the grace–that’s probably because that grows with every prayer and it remains and blossoms again and again after treatment is over.
God love you! I’m praying for you!
Amen! to all you said today.
by GinaI was just reading those very verses this morning!
I also remember spending time on the table for my PET scans and how frightening it would be. I would pray the entire time and quote scripture. I memorized Psalm 91 during that time and it brought much comfort. I am now just having follow-up scans every three months, but I still use that entire time to pray for myself and others.
I am praying for you every day!
Love, Gina
We always say things like, “I don’t know how someone gets through things like this without God.” But surely many people who don’t know Him have cancer; people who do not have anyone in their circle of friends and family who is a believer. No one is praying for them. Except maybe the girl who has radiation right before them.
by CindyYou have given me goosebumps again! I marvel at so many things that I see in your situation — just looking at the red dots on the blog map spread as more and more people hear your story and raise you up in prayer is enough to do it. But then the image hits me of you lying on the radiation table in prayer for your family, yourself and the next patient . . .thank you Heather for your example of faithfulness in the midst of it all.
P.S. This response was submitted before the consumption of my morning latte, so please excuse its brief ramblings! :-)
by Krisall I can say this morning, is our Lord is awesome and so are you!
by donnaI haven’t commented lately but I just wanted you to know I am praying for you and I see God working through you so evidently.
by Tonya @ Mama's LifeI disagree–I cannot believe that cancer is God’s will. He would never “want” us to go through something like that.
However, true to His word: All things are working together for good for those who love the Lord. He can use anything–even awful circumstances, to draw us closer to Him. AND all the people touched by reading your blog, by your prayers, etc.
by brendaHeather-
I know when I had my 30 treatments of radiation I was allowed to bring in CD to listen to music that I liked. During those 12 minutes of RT I was able to pray and worship. After a few days it was a good routine.
You might want to ask if you can bring in music.
Good to hear that you are feeling better,
by Katekate
What an awesome heart you have to pray for those going through treatments after you…I’m not sure I would be selfless enough to think beyond my own treatment!
Praying for you and your family!
by Sallyheather……… your posts move me to tears for many reasons. One is that my Mom had cancer a few years ago. Hers was a different form, a very aggressive stage 4 lung cancer, that we caught much too late…no surgeries possible. But, the way that you describe your treatment in such vivid detail gives me a glimpse into what my Mom experienced…the “clicking” of the radiation, the feeling of aloneness. Tears fall down my cheeks as I relate to her, years later, through you. You WILL beat this. I have no doubt. I just feel so blessed to be on this journey with you.
–katie
by KatiebodDearest Heather,
Thank you for continually sharing your journey with us. Not only do we get to witness the glorious works of the Lord… we are blessed to gain the wisdom of a godly woman… a child of God!!
You are always in my family’s thoughts and prayers…
Much Love and Hugs,
Deborah
by DeborahDear Heather,
Again, your blog entries bring tears to my eyes. How easy it is to praise God when everything is lovely. You are so wonderful and your ability to praise God while enduring this is a powerful testimony to Him and you. I check your blog often so I’m always up to date on you (: I am still praying for you and your beautiful family. They are a blessing as are you to them. Enjoy them and the summer together! Best wishes to you all.
Molly (:
by MollyI’m another constant reader who hasn’t commented in a while, but I want to chime in here to say — you remain in my prayers.
Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus (Heb 12:1-2), Heather. He’s got this whole situation, as crazy as it is, in His hands. And you’re there too.
by Kelly at Love WellPeople have asked me how do I make it through it….I simply reply “With a little help from my Friends”. I believe our beloved God sends us angels along the way so that we can hear him a little more clearly when we are in the middle of fear. Heather, you are such a beautiful Voice in this world. God Bless you and your family.
by KayI was so happy to find your blog again. Chemo and radiation aren’t fun but YOU STAY STRONG! Stay Strong :)
by pamela tuckerI had cancer in one of my salivary glands and had to do radiation. I got to wear a mask just like yours! :-) But I did learn to appreciate the Lord more when I was on the table alone. It is a weird feeling. I would sing old hymns. Then I did like you do and started using the time to pray. I would pray for every sick person that I knew. I would pray for them to be healed. I figured that would be the best use of my time. :-) You are amazing, and I pray the Lord would continue to give you strength and wholeness!
by Lee McMasterHeather - this is the first time I have visited your site, and I just want to tell you what a remarkable and beautiful woman I think you are. Inspiring!
All my best to you,
Melissa R. Garrett
by Melissa R. Garretthttp://www.LittleWoolgatherings.blogspot.com
http://www.TheSilverTongue.blogspot.com
It is good to know that you had such a good day with Easton
by Melany aka SupermomPraise God! I am so happy to hear you are doing so well! :)
by Heather BixlerWow. You are an amazing lady Heather. Just keep that in mind, okay. My mom would pray during her radiation too. She said it was a good time to be alone with Jesus.
Hugs,
by MelindaMelinda
I just think the way you are fixing your eyes on Jesus during this hard time is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
by laughing mommyHeather,
I’m so glad to hear that you’re life is becoming “normal” to you! It’s odd but amazing how we adjust to the new normal, isn’ it? But, it has to happen, and it happens.
What a wonderful way to spend your time on the table. Keeping your eyes upward…and that’s all that you can do!
by BeverlyI sat down today for a quick read. I was escaping for a moment…fighting off depression so I could keep going this morning. As always, you have once again pointed me back to my Savior. We will overcome because we know the One who has overcome for us. Continuing to pray for you. I’m so glad you were able to enjoy your weekend and feel “normal”. That’s a good thing.
by AngelaYour blog is such an uplifting part of my life. God is using you to strengthen so many Christians… and from the prayers you are saying for others, to heal and save the lost. Your candor in telling us about the trails honestly and sharing the thoughts you are having … and even the fears… is a breath of fresh air. This is the stuff that Christ is. He is your life. It doesn’t matter what our earthly fate as long as our heavenly destiny is tied in Him.
I have been reading “Jesus Freaks Vol. 2″ by DC Talk. It is a true short-story book about many people who have been martyred or persecuted for their faith. You may not be persecuted, but you are facing a real life trail that could be faith-shaking to someone. The fact that God has given you the strength and hope you need to carry on is amazing. I read about these people who have been killed (some in such awful ways) and hear of them praying for others…. smiling… singing… and doing it with JOY - in the face of death! … and it makes me weep with thankfulness that God was there for them in the face of that awful thing. I see that He is there for you, too. You are a living testimony to His power.
Keep living. Keep writing. Keep praying. You are in His hands, Heather.
by SprittibeeBy the way, there was a homeschool couple in Texas recently (the Franks) who died in a car accident over the weekend. They left their recently graduated 18 year old and their younger 16 year old boys without either parent when they passed on. They were strong Christians and very large parts of the homeschool community. Just weeks ago, the man spoke at his son’s graduation event. Please pray for those two boys…
by SprittibeeLove you….
by boomamaWow. This moved me to tears (as I can see it did many others). Praise the Savior for His faithfulness in your life. When life comes down to the wire, we can see what we really need, can’t we. Thank you for demonstrating that.
by AnnaYour inner strength continues to amaze me. Although it doesn’t surprise me because it is obvious of your awareness of God’s presence in your life, and in YOU.
by T with HoneyWhat perfectly powerful prayers, nothing odd sounding about it!
I’m so glad that you are having some good days.
by SueGod bless,
Sue
For every big thing for every tiny thing, down to a last stray cell, lifting you up in prayer.
by Joyful DaysWow! I never thought about praying for the next one to take the MRI when I had it. What a good idea, Heather!
I think one of the biggest indicators of where we are in the midst of trial is when we can look at others and their needs. I think that makes you a treasure! Here you could get stuck and not look to others’ needs, but you don’t. I am proud of you!
by Holly SmithPraying for God to heal and make right every cell.
Love,
holly
I’ve read your blog for a long time now, but have never responded. Like many others, I’m encouraged by your outlook and your relationship with Jesus. You are definitely doing what scripture commands when it says “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith!” (Hebrews 12:2) and you are encouraging others along the way. Thanks for brightening my days with your outlook … I’m glad I came across your blog … and I”m glad I”ll meet you someday in heaven … who knows I might even get there before you if God answers all our prayers. :-)
Praying for you …
by JonellJonell
YIPPEE!!
I’m so happy that you and Easton got to have mommy and me time. Oh sweetie- I know that must have been such a joy for you and such a huge milestone.
You sounded SO good on the phone last week. I just can’t tell you.
by kelliGreat post Heather. I’m here at the Cancer Agency - last time I was here was when I was on that table praying. I am reminded (again) of how good GOD has been (and will be) through this all. hugs
by BethanyAmazing - I’m living with a situation that will never go away, something I just have to walk through and accept. To the outsider, they would think I’m silly but it’s a real struggle for me. I so much appreciate the words from the verse, “momentary troubles”. It’s a reminder to me that these times are fleeting. Eternity is what matters. Thank you for encouraging us with your posts. I remember praying that you wouldn’t lose your hair - that prayer will continue! I’m thankful that you have chosen to pray during those lonely moments that you must go through, and praying for others is even better. God knows that when we focus away from ourselves, we benefit from it. So hard to do, though! I am thankful you have been experiencing good days. I’ll continue covering you and your family in prayer. God is good!
Kate
by Kathryn GriffithsI am so glad your speech is improving! Thank the Lord!
by michelleThat’s such good news to read- and I am glad you were able to get out and have a good time with Easton! Even though you have this disease, it is not you- it can never be you. You are not defined by it but you can and have defined your life by your courage and faith! That is something, dear friend!
by Regina Clare JaneI gave you a blogger award: The Blogger Reflection Award (goes to the most uplifting Christian bloggers who help you become a better person and inspire you through their blogs)…
Here’s the link:
by Sprittibeehttp://sbees.blogspot.com/2007/06/blogger-reflection-award.html
Glad you enjoyed your Girls’ Day Out!!! :D
by KarlaThis is an awesome report! Praise the Lord!!
Here’s to many more “normal” feeling days and experiences in your future. You praying for the next person on the table just amazes and lifts me up. Your faith has helped me more than you know.
Blessings,
by Karen D.Karen
11 Days and counting!!!!!! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!
we need to talk!!! I miss you sis!
by CatI think it’s great that you pray for the people who are on the radiation table after you. I’ve been told that I’m crazy when I pray for people I don’t know. I say we should pray for everyone–they may be the only prayers they get.
by MarthaHi Heather,
When I read in your blog to please donate to the cancer foundation, I quickly put my customer on hold and received donations from two co-workers.
We have been fund raising for some time and we have 4 teams here where I work who are going to the Relay For Life . Car washes, hotdog sales, and bake sales which was a BIG hit here. There are over one thousand employees here at Stream Chilliwack.
We also take individual pledges and with that the person that donated has their name placed on a relay for life card which is then placed on the wall in the cyber lounge.
Your “story” walk and Bethanys as well has affected me, I hope I will keep on being “affected” that I surrender ALL and walk away from “the” world completely.
As the scripture says we are not of this world but in it. The longer I walk it the more I see it this way.
The purpose is to bring souls to Christ and I am sure that yours and Bethanys journey will bring many to Him.
God bless you,
Marie
by MarieHi Heather,You are such an Inspiration to so very many of us.I am so happy to hear you are doing so much better,keep it up girl.I pray for you and your wonderful family everyday.
by BambieBambie in Tx.
You are such an inspiration!
by BrandiHow wonderful that you had that day together. It must have felt so good.
by LindaI can’t think of a better way to spend your time during treatment Heather. You are an inspiration, an encouragement and a blessing. God is using this time in a very extraordinary way.
Heather,
by CaseyYou and your family are a part of my daily life. I think about you all often and pray that God gives you endurance for this race that you are in. Sister you have touched my heart forever. Only through God’s love could you be reaching so many people and touching so many hearts.
Heather, you are an inspiration to all! You remain in our prayers but we (readers of your blog) are the ones that get a spiritual lift each day we drop by! God Bless You Abundantly!
by BettyGlad to read that you are able to have moments now that feel cancer free. Soon and very soon, you will be. Prayers!
by Bailey's LeafBless you, sweet Heather. You havee been such an inspiration to me from the very first time I started reading your blog. Your words lift me up and give me hope as I am going through a difficult time, too. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
One afternoon while I was thinking about you and praying for you, I got the warmest feeling all over and felt very excited. I know God was blessing you, and He blessed me, too.
by BssGlory is being achieved and and the lord isrenewing you inwardly day by day, cell by cell!
by BobbieAnd we are blessed to be His children and your friends.
I am glad you had a chance to go be girls with Easton!
Praising God with you step by step.
Because of Jesus, Bobbei
have you heard jeff berry’s “unshakeable, unchangeable” ? awesome song!
by janHugs,love and prayers…still…always.
by melody{{{{{}}}}} You are sowing prayer seeds that reap abundantly.
by Cmommy[…] If this doesn’t move you to tears, not much will. Heather’s reflections, “On the Table” and “Aloneness,” on her cancer […]
by Various and Sundry (6/20) « hope road